i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
