If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
