My friends, they love my intelligence
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
