Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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