So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
