I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Randomize
