So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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