I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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