I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
