in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
