I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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