I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Are my feet made of real feet?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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