There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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