when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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