Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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