I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize