tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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