Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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