dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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