i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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