he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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