ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
birth control should be required to get into college
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
