Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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