She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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