My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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