oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
