Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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