This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All I want is dick and wine.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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