I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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