she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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