i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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