Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
