I will die if light touches me.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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