On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
