Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
