the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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