Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Who died my cat blue again?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
