Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
