Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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