i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
