weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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