"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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