I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
