I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I need a beard to bite.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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