life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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