Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
