I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
