so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
