4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
