I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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