She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
