I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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