dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I AM VODKA MAN
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
