Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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