I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
