I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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