I'm so fucking centered right now
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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