So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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