We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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