You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
